ALF – Sega Master System

It’s ALF on the Sega Master System. Of course, it’s based on the TV sitcom from the 80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the lovable Alien Life Form: ALF. Or Gordon Shumway, who crashed lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family.

Not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home. Along the way having to avoid FBI agents Who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T.on Atari 2600.

Play the game and get an online casino bonus right now. The way they’re dressed in stereotypical trench coats and grabbing at the air, as if saying, “come on ALF, I got some candy I don’t want to hurt ya. I just want to…grope your little alien ass.” Get out of my kitchen you fucking sicko! What kind of town is this where there’s a pedophile on every block in broad daylight?

Half the population is bike riders who don’t know how to pick a lane. You’ll never have time to get out of their way. ALF happens to be nearsighted. In other words, the screen doesn’t move until you’re about a third from the edge.

So the best possible chance you’ll have to see what’s coming up, is to do this awkward walk, stop, walk, stop. How? How? How did I die? I wasn’t even on the same plane as him.

Did my foot overlap or something? Even the laws of three-dimensional space don’t apply. You simply can’t be anywhere near this box. The graphics are forgivable, but why is it that every time ALF turns around, he disappears for a brief instant? The game can’t keep up! It’s like: Oh oh oh, wait, Wait, wait.

You’re turning around? Okay, wait, hold on…Okay. You want to know what I think of the sound effects? I can’t tell you that. You know why? There are no fucking sound effects!

Even Atari 2600 had sound effects! Here, all you get is this rotten music. Get used to that. Somehow there happens to be a big hole in the wall in the Tanner’s basement.

And it leads to a cave full of bats. Jeez Tanners, you think you might want to do something about that hole? You can’t miss it! It’s right at the bottom of the steps. He isn’t much lower. Isn’t the whole point of ducking to get down low? Instead, ALF does this awkward half-squat. Looks like he’s getting ready to dump ass! Yeah, I just hit number two. The one-hit deaths is the main fatal flaw here. You could be halfway through the cave And then all of a sudden something slightly touches you, and then it’s all the way back to the beginning. There’s a total of five lives, one continue, another five lives, and then it’s all over. No more continues, no more saves, no passwords.

No nothing! It’s like: Good fucking luck asshole! If you can progress any further in this game you have more patience than me. Do you wish to continue playing? I love how the first choice is ‘no’. They knew nobody would ever play this piece of shit more than once! The only replay value I can think, of is to do this: Yeah, hey, hey pervert. Hey, y-you want this pervert, right?